No Diet January

For the first time in my adult life, I’m waking up on January 1 not on a diet. I realized recently that I have been dieting yearly for the past 32 years. I’ve been vegan, vegetarian, paleo, pescetarian, and I’ve done the Whole30, counted calories, and have generally obsessed about my food intake. I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds in 32 years, and I am presently the heaviest I’ve ever been. 

Dieting kept me just outside of my body at all times; I never fully embraced it because it was temporary. I lived almost entirely in the future, fantasizing about my new body x number of pounds away, with the belief that once I reached that point, THEN I would be in my body. I didn’t need to buy new clothes for or even look at my current fat body, except to snap before and after pics of myself. 

I lost a bunch of weight one summer during my doctoral program. During that time I was greatly restricting and counting calories and exercising vigorously. My preoccupation with my body was off the charts, and I found that I lost the ability to accurately evaluate my body- I had severe dysmorphia. No matter how much weight I lost it was never enough. 

I told someone the other day that I will not be dieting and they asked me, “What does that mean?”. Isn’t this an interesting question? I find that I feel the urge to say “I’m not just going to eat whatever I want”- cause isn’t that the opposite of dieting? Dieting creates such an all or nothing- don’t eat this, only eat that, except on “cheat” days. Good foods and bad foods. Hypervigilance. Was I good or bad today?

I’m not doing that anymore. I can’t anymore. It has cost me too much. I’ve become greatly disconnected from my body and I want to reconnect. I want to learn how to listen to my body and feed it what it needs and wants. Honestly, this feels scary. How will I know what to do without rules? What if my body “gets out of control”?

So what am I going to do? I’ve been following more accounts of fat women like myself, and have been immersing myself in literature and commentary about this history of dieting and discrimination against fat people. I recently wrote two articles one these topics that I will try to provide links for. I’m going to listen to my body and trust that it knows what to do. I’m also going to keep moving my body because doing so makes me feel good. In October I started a Yoga Teacher Training program so I’ve been doing a lot of yoga and it feels amazing. I’d like to start meditating because doing so also makes me feel good- but that’s a work in progress. I’m going to focus my mental energies on things other than my body. I’m going to dress this body I have and not fantasize about smaller sizes. I’m going to live.

I’m sharing because I know that other people feel this way. I’m also sharing because this important for me as I step fully into my body. There are so many great accounts to follow and I’ll work to put together a list. For those of you considering a January diet but feeling blah about it, I invite you to not. 

One last thing- I recently interviewed Dr. Carolyn Coker-Ross, a medical doctor based in San Diego who created a non-diet program for women several years ago. During our interview, she made a comment about how much of women’s mental energy and money is tied up in the diet industry, and she wondered how different our world would be if women were less focused on their bodies. On a smaller scale, consider what your life might look like if you focused less on yours and directed that energy to other areas of your life.

Obviously this is a much larger topic and I have tons that I could say about it. If you feel that you need more support around this, you may benefit from seeking the support of a professional- check out the Health at Any Size (HAES) website for referrals to therapists and other professionals who are body affirming.

Happy No-Diet January!

One of the benefits of being an entrepreneur is being in control of my time and my schedule, but I find that this “freedom” can quickly turn into blurred boundaries between my work and personal time if I’m not intentional. And, like most entrepreneurs, It’s easy to work, or think about work, all the time because I’m not clocking in anywhere. My main goal at this time is to s l o w d o w n.

This morning I started my day with a 6:15am yoga class. Prior to class, I’d gathered up my dry cleaning (and, in doing so, it became clear why I had been feeling that I had nothing to wear!) and put it in my car. After class I dropped off my dry cleaning and then thought about breakfast. I’ve been subscribing to a meal service for the past few weeks at the suggestion of one of my doctors (I’ll talk more about this in a minute) but my breakfasts ran out yesterday. My first instinct was to order takeout from a local breakfast restaurant, and I envisioned myself calling in the order, swinging by the place and having someone bring it to my window (not possible- just my fantasy of ultimate efficiency), and heading home to eat it in front of my computer so I could get my day started.

I decided to eat at the restaurant instead of screeching by the restaurant on two wheels. This decision was in line with another of my recent goals of not eating in my car as I drive between offices or while running errands. For years I’ve encouraged my clients to take a lunch break and to not eat at their desks, but I hadn’t been great about doing this myself. What I’ve found is that of course I have the 15 or 30 minutes it takes to eat; this morning I was in and out of the restaurant in about 30 minutes and I didn’t rush. While waiting for my food I had time to read a few interesting articles, and while eating I was able to think about and plan for my day. I left the restaurant feeling relaxed and ready for the day. I had a clearer picture of my schedule and what I want to get accomplished today. I didn’t “lose any time” by taking time to eat.

I’ve shared before that Brené Brown‘s work has been personally meaningful for me even though I initially approached it as just another offering for my clients. Just this week I finished up an 8-week Rising Strong™ group with a few brave women, and at our wrap up session we discussed the negative impact of societal pressures about work. We challenged such phrases as “The early bird catches the worm” and “They sleep, we grind” and others that imply that working oneself to the bone is the only way to do it.

I have to be mindful that I am not “hustling for worthiness”- one of my favorite Brené Brown sayings- via perfectionism. Part of my own process is realizing that I don’t have to do things perfectly as an entrepreneur, and it is particularly important that I create some balance in my life; this is why I’ve been pursuing Wholehearted Living™ for the past year. So far I’ve picked up “adult hobbies” (the ukulele and photography), opted to get meals delivered in order to make more time in my busy schedule, and made time to deepen relationships with both new and existing friends. I’ve felt so much better emotionally and mentally for doing so.

Starting in the fall I will be offering workshops on Wholehearted Living™ via The Gifts of Imperfection™ in addition to Daring Greatly™ and Rising Strong™. Sign up for my email list to start receiving my monthly newsletter*- the first one drops in September!- and to be the first to know about workshop dates.

*There will actually be 2 newsletters each month- one will be specific to entrepreneurs. Feel free to sign up for both! Go to my Daring Entrepreneurs page to learn more.

~Dr. Stanley

On Life and Death

A few months ago this plant was in shambles. I, a neglectful “plant mom”, hadn’t paid it enough attention, and it looked like a pot full of dead leaves. I collected it’s siblings and took them to one of my offices where they would receive more care, and I left this guy in a room in my house that I rarely enter.

One day as I entered this room, I noticed a large, proud leaf reaching towards the window in the room: I had to do a double-take. This plant was indeed alive! I cleared out the dead leaves and took it to a place where it would get more attention. This is the plant today- growing and thriving, with new leaves coming in each week.

How often have you been this plant- seemingly in shambles, but with new life just below the surface? It can be hard to look beyond what looks like (or is) death. I’m walking through @brenebrown #RisingStrong curriculum with a few #brave individuals, and last week we discussed #grief and #forgiveness. The overall theme is that often, something has to die so that something new can grow and form. It’s a hard, painful truth, but offers the promise of new life.

Is there something that you need to let die? Clear away the dead leaves so that you can make room for new life.

~Dr. Stanley

Updates!

Hi all-

I’ve been spending some time over the past several months thinking about how I want to execute Daring in the District and Daring Entrepreneurs. In the past I’ve tended to get really excited about a new idea just to abandon it when it didn’t happen quickly or if it didn’t immediately manifest in the way that I had envisioned. Participating in The Daring Way™ training last year highlighted, among other things, my struggles with impatience and a scarcity mindset.

In case you are not familiar with Dr. Brené Brown, she is a trained social worker who has been researching vulnerability and shame for 15+ years. She utilizes grounded theory methods in her research; this involves conducting interviews with people, analyzing the data, and formulating a theory based on convergence in the data. Over the years she has interviewed thousands of individuals and experts in various fields and has studied the existing literature on the subjects she researches. She talks about having to revisit the data again and again until it made sense and could be developed into a cohesive theory. As I learned more about her and her process I greatly admired her patience, and decided that I too could take my time in creating something that I believe in, and that the place and time in which it manifested would be right.

What’s also notable is that Dr. Brown is not the first person to study many of the concepts for which she is most famous: vulnerability, shame, self-compassion, forgiveness, and mindfulness have all been researched before. She was not put off by the idea of scarcity; she believed that she had something new to contribute to the existing body of knowledge, and she collaborated with many experts along the way. There are people already doing many of the things that I want to do, and in the past I might have been discouraged by this, but now I am confident that I will attract those who are interested in what I have to offer.

In a few days I’ll share more about my offerings and how to be kept in the loop about them. I’m looking forward to the future of Daring in the District and Daring Entrepreneurs.

~Dr. Stanley